Updated: Mar 24, 2021
2020 was quite a year for me and other people around the world. Everything in my world came to fruition - and I fell to the lowest depths of despair (sadness, anger, self-loathing, etc.). Almost committing - wanting to, commit suicide back in Oct. 2020. I've had many revelations the past couple of months on how bad, mentally and physically my health is/was. My back is messed up from a myriad of things: PC gaming too much the past couple of years which is very addicting due to the chemical dopamine (sitting too much). I hurt my back a couple years ago just bending down a bit awkwardly reaching for something. I got seen by a chiropractor which my VA benefits paid for and was doing better. I've had depression for a while now making excuses of not caring about myself and my future because "climate change is just going to wreck the planet anyway. What do I and what I do matter?". Was my excuse for not trying harder and doing better for myself academically and professionally. Donald Trump getting elected president didn't help matters. I couldn't sleep that night (rightfully so, in my opinion, just the environmental damage he's caused has been quite bad).
I still did okay in school and okay at times. I'm a runner since I joined the Army and generally kind of have had some depression since I was an adolescent - "what does school matter and everything? I'm just going to have to get a job and work for the rest of my life anyway". Is a depressing mindset even if one doesn't see it that way. I never knew before that the things we tell ourselves and the thoughts that run through our minds impact us a lot. I still struggle probably with too much negative thinking. I feel though that one also cannot ignore reality though and its good to face reality and adversity. There is a yin and yang to many things in (this) or our lives. Positives and negatives to seemingly most everything. Things matter. Good can overcome though if you work towards it and let it be. Everything on this Earth including us I believe now was created. Everything is ephemeral except the creator. So be thankful and have some respect. For yourself and others (our minds especially!). I ran out of VA education benefits and had to get a job. I got a job at KU recycling around Feb. 2019 and got fired a few months later for conversing with a female coworker about sex and sexuality too much (I really didn't know I was making her uncomfortable as she didn't say or do anything to me and continued the conversation, but told our boss about it). I was so scared of getting a sexual harassment claim against me that would stick for life. I was down quite a bit from this and also didn't land any internships for the summer, though I applied at a couple of places. Needed to apply for more though and not rely or be confident in getting hired I suppose though. The previous semester of school (Fall 2018) I would be set to graduate finally if I completed all my classes. I took quite a few graduate level classes thinking it would be good for me since I was thinking of maybe doing the KU environmental assessment masters program possibly. That summer (2018) I didn't land in internships either and mostly spent my time playing computer games. I didn't do well in school and injured my back. I was very lonely feeling as well. I got mad at some of the things especially in a couple of the graduate level classes (this bad GIS class (my undergraduate level class was harder and much better than this GIS class and was mad I enrolled in it)and this environmental impact assessment class I didn't like much at all) and I was feeling bad and mad and just quit on all my classes for the semester. Two of the professor's in my classes let me put a hold on them and complete them later but I felt I didn't deserve any mercy because what I did was wrong and bad. I was especially having trouble with the main project in my GIS class and finding all the data I was trying to find for my project and my teacher's didn't really try helping me at all even after multiple weeks of trying to get help.
I actually planned to complete those two classes and would have had my degree, and I had a year to do it, but later decided I just didn't deserve that kind of mercy and forgiveness. Stubbornness and my own pride held me down. I was taking money out of my stocks to pay for my living expenses a bit, which were very meager (as they mostly always have been). I got a holiday delivery driver job with Amazon that started in Oct. 2019 and was liking it a good amount. So I went back to school in 2020 for 2 more classes and was still working at Amazon. I signed up for one 8 week class at a time and completed the first one (the first part of the semester) but then got fired at Amazon for making a rut in a upscale neighborhood person's yard which they got upset about and I was upset, and didn't want to deal with the situation immediately. So I gave him the local number for my Amazon delivery station and kept on my way delivering packages, trying to move on from the situation. It was a big safety violation though and I got fired over it. I couldn't be hired back on they said, even through a contractor, and was banned at working for Amazon for life my former manager told me. Though she didn't know why and usually the bans were only for a year. I had made two mistakes previously as well I know though and those were bad. I was getting better though and worked hard, often running all the time and trying to make every delivery good. Being a very safe and aware driver, treating the vans very nicely, cleaning and fueling up every time. Always wearing my seatbelt, upgrading and correcting their maps/navigation constantly (pin location for addresses as well) etc. Whatever... So I filed for unemployment and the State of Kansas initially said I was entitled to about ~300 a month. Then about a week later they said and in their systems, my previous jobs I had worked weren't listed and I wasn't eligible for unemployment. I said "that's okay, I'm probably getting a job here in a week, and I'm young and healthy, I can work" (I've never received any benefits like this in my life other than FAFSA student loan benefits I can proudly still say) - as I was doing the requirement of unemployment by applying for jobs/looking for work. So I got hired by a FedEx ground contractor doing deliveries for FedEx on March 1, 2020. Covid-19 lockdown's went into full effect. I felt happy to have a job where I could get out and about and be able to provide for myself but I was super busy - one week working 96 hours in 6 days. They said it was always like a hard "test" on new people and would get better. Also it being super busy for delivery services at the time "like the holiday season" but for months on end...I failed my class (Environmental Literature, super easy but didn't have time to read a lot), dropping it and was looking into trying to get a refund and a full drop from my academic record but was waiting on management to send me official documentation of the hours I had been working. They never did, and I never put in that petition to KU. They did write me a little letter saying I was a good worker and appreciated and worked a lot. I felt disrespected and didn't feel like working for them anymore but the new owners were nice and things were getting better.
I moved from Lawrence, somewhat spitefully, somewhat regrettably. I liked and still like the town but also feel a lot of dislikes towards some of the culture and people there, and being jealous of other peoples happiness and friendships. "How can people be so happy and uncaring while the world is burning?". I always felt like I could do more work. Get better grades, do better things overall. A lot of "excuses". Mental finger pointing, that kind of thing. - I would say and still believe this "It's fine, I'm older, I've had my days of partying and all that, and those kind of conversations young adults have at parties etc." I am a combat veteran. I would do dishes often at this house I lived at for two years, often taking an hour or more doing all my roommates dishes, with the thought that, "I'm just blessed to live in a 1st world country. There are children in other countries (Afghanistan for example) who get developmental disorders because they don't have safe drinking water and I'm getting paid to go to school", and these things are true and often good, giving resolve and gratitude, appreciation and determination. Anyway though, I moved in with my brother - mostly a great and reliable worker who's done very well for himself, in Paola, KS and continued laboring for the FedEx contractor. I had already started to hate my job a lot though: so many "imperfections" would happen on a day to day basis that mostly weren't my doing (the FedEx warehouse's fault, the GPS, the truck I was driving that day) but sometimes we're my doing but for a reason that wasn't my doing and sometimes were solely my own mistakes- that would mostly always make me mad. Every. Single. Day. Mostly always just being on my own as well with no one to talk to. Just trying to "be like a monk" and stay cool and happy, and get my job done so I could get off work at a decent time.
I finally resigned one day after telling them I was probably going to quit the job pretty soon, as soon as I found something else. I just couldn't take it anymore and I wasn't doing so hot anymore either. I had lost trust in the GPS and one day lost trust in my driving ability and that was it, I resigned.
A bit later one day I was seriously considering suicide. My stocks/money were in bad shape after previously having $24,000 in stocks just a few years ago at some point. I didn't understand why seemingly, any stock I owned started doing bad, and as soon as I sold it, seemed to take off like it was suppose to be doing (correct itself to it's true value in the market, at the least). During much of the later half of 2020 the economy was in ruins with millions unemployed and small businesses closing down or having closed down all over the United States while the stock market was doing great. The West coast of the United States was on fire as was much of the Amazon (especially in Brazil) but none of these huge companies or billionaires etc. seemed to care or be doing anything about it. They were busy making more billions and billions of $$$. I learned of the long term effects on anti-depressants and more about how science and us humans don't even know that much still about the brain and mental health. That made me super angry. I felt like I had been acting like a stupefied zombie a bit since the anti-depressants started kicking in more. My memory was so bad. My gut was sour and caused my sweat and everything to stink more. I didn't want to live in this world anymore.
I reached out to family on Facebook messenger and they helped me, encouraged me not to commit suicide. I didn't want to do it. It made me sad that a young lad such as myself would even consider suicide and being so close to doing so. In so much pain. They told me to come home. I did, but as I was driving home the suicidal thoughts kept coming back. Over and over. "Wouldn't it be nice to just die and become like a tree or flower or something".
After spending a few days at home I visited my sister and her husband. I watched a video on "the meaning of life" and had a few conversations with them and they helped opened my eyes. And I've been learning much and getting better ever since. I've learned:
That my body, specifically, my back is quite a bit messed up. I knew I had some pelvic tilt and a little rotation in my hips, and my left leg was a bit shorter, from going to the chiropractor before, but I didn't realize or know just how bad the extant my back and muscle imbalance problem really is.
That I've have a fungal infection that's inside my body and in my blood, and joints possibly (candida albicans). I go to my primary doctor at least once a year (Veterans Affairs, thank you guys so much for everything) and get blood and urine tests done. This year I had them test for arthritis, which was negative and I thought I might've had back in 2014 or so. Which I told them, and also went to the E.R. once that year for abnormal heart palpations once when running that year. I never knew such a thing existed (fungus overgrowth). My doctor never even looked at my tongue or anything. It's in my sinuses and maybe has even possibly damaged my brain possibly and I think my hypothalamus, possibly. Or having some effects on it, I bet. The hypothalamus actually does/controls a lot including sexual orientation effects, cortisol, insomnia/melatonin, etc.
I learned about EMF radiation and the dangers of it, especially coming from Wi-Fi routers and cell towers (can Youtube it). - Pretty much impossible to get away from in our society today and I think it's safe if you keep your distance (exponential with respect to distance and power).
The essence of public health, education etc. all seems to be corrupt and corrupted. = Anger, which is not good for positive thinking. Through all this and all these things, I have new resolve and forgiveness. Forgive myself, forgive others and the world, and must move on and try to do good.