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Restless

Been going through some rough times once again. It's just all in my head and self inflicted. Am mean to myself too much for past mistakes and being. Doesn't help feeling lonely, so imperfect, and mad at society and even the capitalist system. America and its individualism" and dog eat dog and lonely society. Seems like doing good feels bad and wrong - like the pursuit of just self...and personal gain. So tired of being here I feel like and battling my own self and ideals etc. I say to myself, it's okay, it's just reality, accept it but also, eh, it's not okay, it sucks, I want to leave and be more at peace. But also then, if I do just leave and whatnot, then I'm just running away from the problem(s). But eh, I'm nobody, but also somebody.


Thinking about joining the Peacecorps. I would like to think it would be nice to just serve and do Peacecorp's missions or similar for the rest of my life or something like that. I feel I've been so bad in my life and I have to make up for it and just want to do good. Truly good things. And to not be so lonely and feel good and decent about myself. Arrogant thoughts of my ideas and ideals are probably just arrogance. I don't know much of anything. Just a little imperfect stupid human. It's okay though. I know I have the ability to learn this, learn that, etc. etc. but feel I don't have the temperament. There's these opportunities and things for this online marketing stuff but they seem to me like unfair to working people. What if they/it are super good and one can make a ton of money just doing these little things online and promoting stuff and things on behalf of these corporations and promoting consumerism and all this and that (I don't know exactly what they're about)? What about working people who have never heard of this stuff - don't have time to hear about it or pursue it or the money to get into it? How is that fair and just? I don't believe it is. Seems vain and ignorant.


It seems so selfish at times. This life. I'm restless too much as well, mentally, always....I've felt this way often while going to school as well, this restlessness - like, ugh, the world needs help and change NOW. I want to help. I have little patience and feel much urgency. Am not sure what to do. Thinking it would be nice just to do a PeaceCorps mission then try to join and get with TeachforAmerica.org.


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